Toxic parents injure their children, treat them cruelly, humiliate, cause harm. And not only physical, but also emotional. They continue to do this, even when the child becomes an adult.
1. Infallible parents
Such parents perceive child insubordination, the slightest manifestations of individuality as an attack on themselves, and therefore are protected. They insult and humiliate the child, destroy his self-esteem, hiding behind the good goal of “tempering the character.”
How is the impact manifested
Usually, children of infallible parents consider them perfect. They include psychological protection.
- Negation. The child comes up with another reality, in which his parents love him. Negation gives temporary relief, which is costly: sooner or later it results in an emotional crisis.
Example: “In fact, my mother does not offend me, but does better: she opens her eyes to the unpleasant truth.” - Desperate hope. Children with all their strength cling to the myth of the perfect parents and blame themselves for all misfortunes.
Example: “I am not worthy of a good relationship, my mother and father want me well, but I do not appreciate it.” - Rationalization. This is a search for good reasons that explain what is happening to make it less painful for the child.
Example: “My father beat me not to do harm, but to teach me a lesson.”
What to do
To realize that your guilt is that parents constantly turn to insults and humiliations, no. Therefore, try to prove something to toxic parents there is no sense.
A good way to understand the situation is to look at what happened with the eyes of an outside observer. This will make it clear that parents are not so infallible, and rethink their actions.
2. Inadequate parents
To determine the toxicity and inadequacy of parents who do not beat or tear the child is more difficult. After all, in this case, harm is caused not by action, but by inaction. Often such parents behave themselves as impotent and irresponsible children. They make the child grow up faster and meet their needs.
How is the impact manifested
- The child becomes a parent to himself, younger brothers and sisters, his own mother or father. He is losing his childhood.
Example: “How can you ask to walk when your mother does not have time to wash everything and cook dinner?”. - Victims of toxic parents experience feelings of guilt and despair when they can not do something for the good of the family.
Example: “I can not put the younger sister to bed, she cries all the time. I’m a bad son. “ - The child may lose emotions due to lack of emotional support from the parents. Becoming an adult, he experiences problems with self-identification: who he is, what he wants from life and love relationships.
Example: “I entered the university, but it seems to me that this is not the specialty that I like. I do not know what I want to be. “
What to do
Home affairs should not take a child more time than studying, playing games, walking, talking with friends. It’s difficult to prove toxic parents, but you can. Operate with the facts: “I will badly learn, if cleaning and cooking will only be on me”, “The doctor advised me to spend more time in the fresh air and play sports.”
3. Controlling parents
Excessive control can look like care, discretion, care. But the toxic parents in this case only care about themselves. They are afraid to become unnecessary, and so they make it so that the child depends on them as much as possible, feels helpless.
Favorite phrases of toxic controlling parents:
- “I do this solely for you and for your benefit.”
- “I did it because I love you very much.”
- “Do this, or I will not talk to you again.”
- “If you do not do this, I will have a heart attack.”
- “If you do not, you will cease to be a member of our family.”
All this means one thing: “I am doing this, because the fear of losing you is so great that I am ready to make you unhappy.”
Parents-manipulators who prefer hidden control, achieve their not direct requests and orders, but in an underhand manner, forming a sense of guilt. They provide “disinterested” assistance, which forms a sense of duty for the child.
How is the impact manifested
- Controlled by toxic parents, children become unnecessarily worrisome. They have no desire to be active, to explore the world, to overcome difficulties.
Example: “I’m very afraid of traveling by car, because my mother always claimed that it was very dangerous.” - If the child tries to argue with his parents, disobey them, it threatens him with a sense of guilt, of his own betrayal.
Example: “I without permission left with an overnight stay with a friend, the next morning my mother came down with a sick heart. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to her. “ - Some parents love to compare children among themselves, create an atmosphere of embitterment and jealousy in the family.
Example: “Your sister is much smarter than you, in whom have you been born?” - The child constantly feels that he is not good enough, he is trying to prove his worth.
Example: “I always wanted to become like my older brother, and even went, like him, to study medicine, although I wanted to become a programmer.”
What to do
Get out of control without fear of consequences. As a rule, this is an ordinary blackmail. When you realize that you are not a part of your parents, you will stop depending on them.
4. Drinking parents
Parents-alcoholics usually deny that the problem exists in principle. Mom, suffering from drunkenness of the spouse, shields him, justifies frequent use of alcohol to remove stress or problems with the boss.
The child is usually told that it is not worth taking out the dirty linen from the cottage. Because of this, he is constantly tense, lives in fear of accidentally betraying his family, reveal a secret.
How is the impact manifested
- Children of alcoholics often become single. They do not know how to build friendships or love relationships, they suffer from jealousy and suspicion.
Example: “I’m always afraid that a loved one will hurt me, so I do not get serious relationships.” - In such a family, the child can grow hyperopearous and insecure.
Example: “I constantly helped my mother to put the drunk father. I was scared that he would die, I was worried that I can not do anything about it. “ - Another toxic effect of such parents is the transformation of the child into “invisible.”
Example: “My mother tried to wean her father off from drunkenness, coded it, constantly looked for new drugs. We were left to ourselves, no one asked if we ate, how we learn, what we are passionate about. “ - Children suffer from feelings of guilt.
Example: “In my childhood, I was constantly told:” If you behaved yourself, Papa would not drink. “
According to statistics, every fourth child from the alcoholic family becomes an alcoholic himself.
What to do
Do not take responsibility for what parents are drinking. If you can convince them that the problem exists, there is a chance that they will think about coding. Communicate with prosperous families, do not let them convince themselves that all adults are the same.
5. Humiliating parents
Such parents constantly insult and criticize the child, often groundlessly, or making fun of him. It can be sarcasm, ridicule, insulting nicknames, humiliation, which they give out for care: “I want to help you improve,” “We need to prepare you for a cruel life.” Parents can make a child an “accomplice” of the process: “He also understands that this is just a joke.”
Sometimes humiliation is associated with a sense of competition. Parents feel that the child gives them unpleasant emotions, and connect the pressure: “You can not do better than me.”
How is the impact manifested
- This attitude kills self-esteem and leaves deep emotional scars.
Example: “For a long time I could not believe that I was capable of anything more than taking out the garbage, as my father said. And I hated myself for it. “ - Children of competitive parents pay for their peace of mind by sabotaging their successes. They prefer to understate their real abilities.
Example: “I wanted to participate in the street dancing contest, I was well prepared for it, but I did not dare to try it. Mom always said that I would not be able to dance like her. “ - The driving force of harsh verbal attacks may become unrealistic hopes, which adults placed on the child. And it is he who suffers when illusions crumble.
Example: “Dad was sure that I would become a great hockey player. When I was again expelled from the section (I did not like and did not know how to skate), he called me insignificant and could not do anything for a long time. “ - Because of the failures of children, toxic parents usually come apocalypse.
Example: “I constantly heard:” It would be better if you were not born. ” And this is due to the fact that I did not take the first place in the Olympiad in mathematics. “
Children who have grown up in such families often have suicidal tendencies.
What to do
Find a way to block insults and humiliations so that they do not hurt you. Do not let us intercept the initiative in conversation. If you answer monosyllabically, do not succumb to manipulation, insults and humiliation, the toxic parents will not achieve their goal. Remember: you do not have to prove anything to them.
End the conversation when you want it. And preferably before you started feeling unpleasant emotions.
6. Abusers
Parents who consider violence the norm, with a high degree of likelihood, brought up the same way. For them, this is the only opportunity to throw out anger, to cope with problems and negative emotions.
Physical violence
Advocates of corporal punishment usually expel their fears and complexes on children or sincerely believe that spanking will benefit the upbringing, make the child courageous and strong. In reality, everything is the other way around: physical punishments inflict the strongest mental, emotional and bodily harm.
Sexual violence
Susan Forward characterizes incest as “an emotional destructive betrayal of basic trust between a child and a parent, an act of complete perversion.” Little victims are in full power of the aggressor, they have nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.
90% of children who survive sexual abuse do not tell anyone about this.
How is the impact manifested
- The child experiences a feeling of helplessness and despair, because a request for help can be fraught with new outbursts of anger and punishment.
Example: “I did not tell anyone until about the age of majority that my mother was beating me. Because she knew: no one will believe. I explained the bruises on my legs and arms by the fact that I like to run and jump. “ - Children begin to hate themselves, their emotions are a constant anger and fantasies about revenge.
Example: “For a long time I could not admit myself, but in my childhood I wanted to strangle my father while he was sleeping. He beat my mother, my younger sister. I’m glad that he was imprisoned. “ - Sexual violence does not always imply contact with the child’s body, but it is no less destructive. Children feel guilty about what happened. They are ashamed, they are afraid to tell someone about what happened.
Example: “I was the quietest student in the class, I was afraid that my father would be called to school, the secret would be revealed. He intimidated me: he always said that if this happens, everyone will think that I’m crazy, they’ll send me to a psychiatric hospital. “ - Children keep the pain in themselves, so as not to ruin the family.
Example: “I saw that my mother is very fond of stepfather. Once I tried to hint to her that he treats me “grown-up.” But she burst into tears so much that I no longer ventured to talk about it. “ - A person who has experienced violence in his childhood often leads a double life. He feels disgusting, but pretends to be a successful, self-sufficient person. He can not build a normal relationship, he considers himself unworthy of love. It’s a wound that drags on for a very long time.
Example: “I always considered myself” dirty “because of what my father did to me as a child. To go on the first date, I decided after 30 years, when I went through several courses of psychotherapy. “
What to do
The only way to escape from a rapist is to distance yourself, run away. Do not shut yourself in, but seek help from relatives and friends who can be trusted, seek help from psychologists and the police.
How to behave with toxic parents
1. Accept this fact. And understand that you can hardly change your parents. But yourself and your attitude to life – yes.
2. Remember that their toxicity is not your fault. You are not responsible for the way they behave.
3. Communication with them is unlikely to be different, so reduce it to a minimum. Start the conversation, knowing in advance that it may end up unpleasant for you.
4. If you are forced to live with them, find the opportunity to release steam. Go to the gym training. Keep a diary, describe in it not only bad events, but also positive moments to support yourself. Read more literature on toxic people.
5. Do not seek excuses for the actions of parents. Your well-being should be in priority.
